I’m really happy I found my snake

I can’t find my mail key.
It grew little legs and walked away.
Things keep getting lost and sometimes found and rearranged and broken and firewalled and disabled all by themselves lately. I am blaming gnomes that are so invisible, even I can’t see them.

My snake got herself lose in my apartment. She MUST be stronger than I gave her credit for. Or maybe the gnomes wanted to play with her. Little fuckers. I later found her curled up in a pair of my pants. Poor little thing was cold. She also must have been hungry, because she went down my shirt and bit my boob when I put her around my neck to warm her up. Funny, I don’t think my boobs smell like small dead rodents, but what do I know.

Being a typical human sucked into social networking, I informed everyone on my facebook of the snake incident. I was later messaged by a non-reptile friendly family member asking me how I could possible love and care about a cold, slithery, “slimy” creature that won’t love me like a dog or a cat. I replied that it must have something to do with my tendency to develop attachments to cold, emotionless creatures that are indifferent to my presence.  She LOLed. I threw up.

And it was, like, OMG.

Our clinic was doctor-less for almost three hours today because he “forgot” he had to work. I was frowned at by a lot of people because of this.  I have a lot of neat conversations with people when they are frowning at me. It used to bother me, but now I really don’t give a shit, and give a robotic response to their apparent unhappiness. I’ve noticed that this non-reaction sometimes makes people frown harder.

It just dawned on me that I have failed as a girl scout mom. I’m going to bed.

Here’s my theme song.

I need a different latitude.


Lesbians, Music and Milk



I have certain songs/bands that are my “theme of the week”, meaning for whatever reason, I find myself listening to a particular song/band repeatedly for that time span. There’s no reason for this, it’s just one of my “weird things”.
I keep gravitating to Otep this week, especially this song.

 Just seems to fit, for whatever reason.

I like Otep. Despite the fact that she is too cliché activist/lesbian/vegan/political for my taste, she’s pretty neat (on a side note, she’s one of the few women on this planet that my anti-activist, men-loving, meat-eating, politically ignorant self would actually go out of my way to have sex with).

Speaking of fluids and animal products, something awesome:

I was at work, doing my thing yesterday when out of no where, I became immensely dizzy and developed chest pains, followed with a feeling of panic. A “panic attack” as they are referred to. I have had these acute situations happen here and there over the course of my life, and they suck. After a rush of customers, I went into the break room to see if I had any tea, but all I found was a bottle of whole milk that I brought a few days prior and forgotten about. My body reacted in positive favor at the sight of the milk, so I took it as my cue to drink up. After about forty minutes, I felt like a million bucks. Better than before the attack, even.

There’s something to this.

I love animal fat.

I love music.

I love feeling wonderful.

I love ham.



I hate the sound of someone ending a phone conversation with “Loveyoubye”.

That doesn’t sound very loving at all.  That sounds about as personal as a pap and pelvic exam with an ice-cold speculum at the hands of a retired, overweight gynecologist  who smells like ranch Doritos.

I have a fairly practical perception of love (romantic, family, and otherwise), despite the fact that I’m female, but I still think this is a shitty way to convey the message of love. An emotion-infused, “I love you” heard once in a blue moon has more merit and value than a thousand loveyoubyes in a single week.

My family ends every conversation with loveyoubye. Then they wonder why I just hang up.

Random Questions

1.If you could offer a newborn child just one piece of advice, what would it be?

Hmm, well even if I had some kind of wise blurb to pass on to an infant, I doubt they would understand or remember what I said when they are old enough to apply it.  I think I might write a note and leave it for them to find when they are older, and it would say something like,  “If a stranger offers you candy, don’t accept it, ever. Even if it’s your favorite kind of candy.”

2. What are two goals for next year (2011)?

Figure out a way to make ridiculous amounts of money to comfortably support my little family. I also want to get plastic surgery.  I want the power to stop traffic with my boobs.  People say this is not important, but I think it is. What if, one day, I come across some horrible catastrophe that would require people to stop driving, and no one is there to get a handle on things? Hardly anyone would respond to hand signals, but most respond to boobs. This could save lives, people.

3. What is your best childhood memory? What makes it so special?

Driving across country with my dad. And it just is.

4. If the average human life span were 40 years old, how would you live your life differently?

I would spend my life trying to figure out a way to expand the average human life expectancy to forty five years old. You could squeeze in a lot more happy times and events over five years

5. What’s your best moment of the year (2010)?

Hard to say, it’s not over yet. Ask me again when it’s time to toss out my calendar

6. Who inspires you the most?

Me, five years ago, and me, five years from now

7. What activities make you lose track of time?

Anything that keeps me from looking at a clock… sleeping is one. Reading something really interesting. Playing hide and seek with my kids, especially when I’m hiding under the bed reading something interesting and I fall asleep while I’m waiting for them to find me.

8. If you could do anything, or wish for anything that would come true, what would it be?

I would want people I know and love to be obnoxiously happy.